me: · an · ironic · story

I GOT THE JOB. OMG. I'M A REAL, LIVE TEACHER! TERRIFYINGGGG. And exciting?!?!?

Alright! I am off!

No predicitions, no expectations, no drama. I'm going to go enjoy myself during my last week of the most influencial experience of my life and not let anything upset me. I'm going to make the most of everyday. I'm going to take a bazillion stalker pictures. I'm going to eat grilled cheese and dirt cake. I'm going to be boy-free. I'm going to spend oodles of time with muh Claire. I'm going to make it the best year ever and when I come back, my return post will be filled with rainbows and unicorns and nothing but happy times.

So, Novi High called this morning...and I have a second interview!! I have to teach 10 minutes of an 85 minute lesson introducing "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee (duh!) to the principal and the heads of English and Social Studies. I'm basically freaking out. It's in 2 weeks, but the other candidate (just one?!) has a week on me because I'll be at camp all next week and we have zero access to, well, anything. I bought a bunch of stuff to give me some ideas, but I have no clue what to do. Obviously, I'll need to reread the book since I haven't read it in 10 years, plus try to locate my notes from AP Lit. FREAKING OUT!!!

I'm miffed at eBay for not telling me about the auction for Gia ending. It ended at $61, which is beyond affordable. BOO (Radley. Hah!). When I get back I am buying my Ling, and if I get this job I'll either buy a celebratory Gia or AG Emily. I've been on a spending spree lately - all the stress is really getting to me. I just want to shop and sleep.

Today was teh suck, much like yesterday, but less so. This weather is insane and I wish it would just rain due to the pressure building all around and the humidity getting insanely high, I might actually turn the fan on for the first time this year.

I've been in a right pissy mood all day, so I went to Ye Olde Used Book Store (it's actually just called "Used Book Store" which is rather uncreative) and bought up all the BSC books over #40 (which was only 3 books), 2 "Friends Forever" books entirely because of the covers and the fantastic illustrations of 80s fashion (I wouldn't wear it again, but I appreciate the bright, optimistic colors and patterns) and other completely random Scholastic books from the 80s/early 90s that were only available through book orders such as "The Wednesday Wizard". Also, I got "The Bell Jar" because I've been wanting to read it forever, and I'm craving some classic lit, and after last night I'm definitely in the mood for Modern Lit (I think Plath is Modern? Anyone??).

We've donated a boatload of books there (about 35), and they give you credit for what you donate, so I was positive my 8 books would be cheap as free (or total like $4.50). It was SEVENTEEN DOLLARS. In the future, I'll look for book lots on eBay - I probably could've gotten 15 books for $20.

I'm having a cacophony of emotions right now and it's making me ill. I tend to ride these waves of ups and downs, and I fear I'm heading into a down. As the school year wraps up, subbing jobs are drying up as teachers need to cram in tons of last minute facts and projects. The jobs I do have are becoming somber goodbyes to kids I've come to love seeing on a regular basis. I want so badly to go to the 8th grade graduation, but I have no claim to them and will not get an invitation to the event. I'm losing my first batch of favorite students to high school, where they will lose the protection of middle school, as well as much of their innocence. In 4 years, I'm sure I won't recognize any of them, and I'm struggling to accept that we must all choose our own paths in life, and this changes us for better or worse. I don't want them to experience high school the way I did, or worse, but I'm helpless to stop them from making idiotic choices. I'll miss subbing, and it's hard not knowing if I'll ever see any of them again.

The museum isn't the place of wonderment it used to be. I still enjoy my coworkers, but I no longer get excited to get out of bed and go to work. It has become a job, and that makes me sad.

I got my first tuition statement for my MU loan - $400 per month, which is laughable. What I'm NOT laughing about is the $43,000 in interest that will be added if I have to take a lower payment plan. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

I'm still torn up about camp. I feel like I'm losing the most important part of my life. The only thing that's ever been there for me without question. I've yet to find something I can always count on, besides my AG obsession. Maybe that's why regardless of how little money I have, I always buy something small for my giant AG collection, which I officially no longer have room for.

We're going to lose our house next summer, which puts even more pressure on me to pay down my debt and get a freaking job - but there are no jobs to be had. Melissa says if people retire at East, they'll just replace them with people who were laid off at other schools in the district. They're cutting back on our hours at THF. The whole world is shrinking. It feels like 1930, which is bad considering 1933 was the worst year of the Depression. My whole world is changing and falling away. And I have no clue what my life will be in even a mere 4 months. Like my students hading off to high school and "real life", I need to not be afraid of uncertainty, but take hope in possibility.

...the possibility of being homeless and unemployed?

Today was the last day for the student teachers, which means now they'll be on my turf, and I'll be in competition for jobs with them. W00T.

Wisdom from the 6th grade TAG boys:
"If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you have 2 seconds to live."

AI is totes rigged. Dredidiah bit that one. I refuse to be told by the media what to enjoy.

Props to sassy Danley for sassin' it up.

Dear American Idol,

You have GOT to be kidding me. Are the judges getting paid to placate the contestants? These performances are verging on audial torture. My dog howled when Orlando Bloom screeched out that poorly-timed racket. Michael Hutchins put me to sleep. Dredidiah was adorable, but for god's sake, can someone give him a deep conditioning treatment? White trash Justin Timberlake? I'm totes NOT surprised you drag race. You're a 4th class rocker and I believe you'll be going home this week. Danley? Let's face it- much like his younger twin, he can do no wrong in my eyes. And he's the most beautiful boy ever birthed in the history of man. If only he was of my persuasion. Jason Gheygar needs to embrace his inner Lance Bass and brace for the boot this Thurs. Let's be honest, Babyface Archuletta is already recording his AI album, they've preselected him, it's over. In all, a disappointing night. There HAS to be good music from the 70s somewhere. Right?

Seacrest out.

snowdaysnowdaysnowdaysnowdaysnowdaysnowday

Also - I might be volunteering to help out at the LPA (Little People Association) conference this summer. It's going to be in Detroit. There might be some stuff I can use to assist me, since I am not a normal-heighted person and a few LPs use wheelchairs/scooters. I think it might be awesome to meet a group of people who's needs due to their disabilities overlap with mine. I completely understand how frustrating it can be to have to look up at people all the time. And, ok, fine, I totally want to meet the Roloffs.

I thought I was going to puke as our Econ exams were being passed back today. The girl next to me got a 49 (but she's a moron) the girl next to her got a 50 (but she missed 2 weeks of class) and the girl behind me got a 68 (and I think she's relatively intelligent). I got a 70 and was sad, but at least it's passing. He told us he was very disappointed in our grades, and that the class mean was 70 (yay?). He said NO ONE got an A or a B. The highest grade was 3 72s. So, I couldn't be too sad. I truly thought he'd curve them, but he didn't. Since there are only 12 of us, we got together and compared tests and found nearly all of us got the same questions wrong. Our professor refused to take any blame and said we must not have studied enough. After some pushing, we got him to go over the test with us and we slowly got points back as he discovered his errors. In the end, I earned back 14 points giving me an 84 and the highest grade in the class. WHile I am stoked I got the highest grade, it is an INTRO class and our exam was on the Fundamentals unit. So, an 84 is really pathetic and reflects a very poor professor. Go MU!

I am so desparate, I'm finding myself attracted to George Costanza on "Seinfeld." SRSLY.

Tomorrow I'm a floater at Pioneer. It's pretty much terrifying. I pretty much picked it up because I am superbroke and "Penelope" is coming out next month and I've been waiting to see it since 2006. Floating means I have no idea what I'm in for- a grab-bag of assignments if you will. I'm looking at it as a character-building excercise. After floating today, I guess I built up some confidence. However, tomorrow I won't be at my home school where I'm friends with 3/4 of the teachers and know 2/3 of the students by name. If I succeed tomorrow (and I have no choice but to succeed), I think I will feel a lot better about my subbing future and more inclined to take various assignments. I need money. Because money = James McAvoy and AG and financial freedom. In that order.

The Hard Lessons are on AOL Radio right now. It's craze.

i'm really clueless as to why i'd never heard of "the view from saturday" by e.l.konigsburg until very recently. and i only discovered it then because i was re-ordering "from the mixed up files of mrs. basil e frankweiler" which i had misplaced. i bought it during student teaching because it was about 6th graders, but i never had time to read it during that chaos. i found it buried under a mound of unread books this weekend and read through it in a day. turns out, it's about a paraplegic social studies teacher who puts together an academic quiz bowl team and learns about making connections and journeys. in essence, the most perfect and fitting book ever written. i honestly can't believe it had escaped me my entire life (ok, since 1997 when it was written). but perhaps i never found it because it chose me when the time was right.

new, superhot josh peck. yum.

my summer is not even worth writing about. broken promises and false hopes. claire sent me these amazing lyrics by a band called blanche and so i post them here as a memorial for my summer, over before it ever began and still lingering around unwanted.

Another Lost Summer

I vowed this wouldn't be another lost summer
I've looked around but I can't see that old time summer
It's still hot, but I look at what I've got...
And all I feel is numb er.

I guess it's too late to plant those seeds
Not worth it to pull the weeds
They'll just die. Like I'm doing inside

My brother and I were the best of friends
More than just brothers, but now I pretend
Is it a crutch that I expect so much?

I promised myself I'd be strong this year
But here I am again filled with summer tears
And the fish ain't biting and I'm through fighting

The same situation, the same frustration
'Cause summer's almost gone
The love I planned to sing about never came along
And I can't figure out where I belong,
But every year I sing the same old song

Where's that old time summer?
It's another lost summer